Every now and then, some of us have to poke fun at the lizards that try to run new world order. A list of laughs from the top five site:
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C L U B T O P 5
Now available in widescreen HD.
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February 16, 2006
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Depending on where you get your news,
Vice President Dick Cheney:
a) has gone berserk and is gunning down people in Texas.
b) had a harmless little everyday mishap involving
a loaded rifle and a careless friend.
Either way, we think TopFive's readers should
be prepared for the worst. Ergo, today's list...
The Top 16 Signs the Bush Administration Wants to Kill You
16> Well, *someone* arranged for you to ride home from the party
with Ted Kennedy.
15> Your picture has been pasted on the wheel between the cow
and the pig on the vice president's modified "See 'n Kill."
14> Condi Rice is at the piano, relentlessly practicing the
Funeral March.
13> Dick Cheney invites you to Ted Nugent's mid-April Halloween
party and suggests you go dressed as Bullwinkle.
12> Alberto Gonzalez says he's not worried about a court throwing
out your warrantless wiretap, since you're not gonna be
around much longer anyway.
11> Dubya changes your nickname to "Daisy Pusher-Upper."
10> Your "top-secret mission of vital importance to the security
of our great nation" lands you in Tehran wearing an Uncle Sam
costume and a sandwich board that reads, "Iranians have small
wienies."
9> In mid-hunt, Dick Cheney turns, grins *that* grin, then asks,
"You TopFivers think you're funny, don't you?"
8> You signed the Kyoto treaty with little hearts dotted over
your i's.
7> Your make-out session with Jenna is continually interrupted
by a cloaked, crouching Cheney chanting, "Let the hate flow
through you, young Bush-whacker!"
6> Your Secret Santa gift from the president: a big-ass bag
o' pretzels.
5> You receive an official White House invitation to go hunting
with Richard Clark, Paul O'Neil, Michael Moore, Saddam Hussein,
Hillary Clinton, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Osama bin Laden and
Dick Cheney.
4> During this week's special live episode of "24," you watch
stunned as Jack Bauer creeps around outside your house.
3> You awaken to find the severed head of Hillary Clinton in
your bed.
2> Your unit gets recalled for active duty in Iraq -- and man,
the army sure has changed since you took part in the
invasion of Normandy.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign the
Bush Administration Wants to Kill You...
1> You've just been appointed the new ambassador to
Kissyourassgoodbyeistan.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions
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Signs the Bush Administration Wants to Kill You
RUNNERS UP list -- Misfires
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Bush gave you the nickname "F-ing A-hole."
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Dick Cheney shoots you in the face.
(Peg Warner, Exeter, NH)
Dick Cheney's sneering at you -- and not in his usual "I'm happy
to see you" kind of way.
(Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX)
Pat Robertson has you on speed dial.
(Steve Huntington, San Jose, CA)
(Brian Daywalt, Wabash, IN)
Quoting "unnamed sources," Robert Novak divulges not only your
identity as a covert CIA operative, but also your address, license
plate number and home security system password.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Scott McClellan assures reporters that nobody within the
administration is upset with you.
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)
The new White House Chief of Protocol: Amy Fisher.
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
They tell you you've been designated the official Ambassador of
Friendship to al-Qaeda and your first order of business is to take
them a vat of matzoh ball soup.
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)
Those pesky bombs keep falling all around your cave, getting
debris in your dialysis machine.
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)
Two weeks after trying to hit on one of the Bush twins, you find
yourself deployed to Iraq -- and you're not even in the military.
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
When you leave for the White House dinner, Condi reminds you not
to forget the cannoli.
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)
You discover your "Kevlar" vest is actually filled with Cheez Whiz.
(Stephanie Shiner Thompson, Brainerd, MN)
You get an urgent BlackBerry message from "BaldYankeeFan" reading,
"GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!!!"
(Whit Watson, Winter Park, FL)
You tell Dick Cheney to go f**k himself and he responds, "Hey, are
you talkin' to *me*? Are you talkin' to *ME*?"
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
Your last name is Clinton and your first name isn't George.
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)
Runners Up list name
(Steve Huntington, San Jose, CA)
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
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Signs the Bush Administration Wants to Kill You
HONORABLE MENTIONS list -- Lame Ducks
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"I'm afraid we're all out of orange hunting jackets, but we have
this donated company jacket from the folks at Target. Look, it
even has their logo on the back!"
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)
8,714 e-mails from "Da Leeza" and your rabbit's missing.
(Richard Skora, Columbus, OH)
Condi's wearing her curare-tipped stilettos.
(Yoram Puius, New York, NY)
Condoleezza Rice kisses you hard on the mouth and says, "I know it
was YOU!"
(Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN)
EPA regulations have been rescinded for your yard.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Every time you visit, they take you on a tour in a convertible --
straight to the Ford Theatre.
(Stephanie Shiner Thompson, Brainerd, MN)
That odd expression on Pat Robertson's face when he said you've
been in his prayers.
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)
The White House assigned rookie Secret Service agent "Brownie" to
protect you.
(Chuck Sawyer, Rochester, NY)
The good news: You've been invited to a kegger at the White House.
The bad news: Your designated driver is Jenna.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)
They send you on a third tour of Iraq, and still without body
armor.
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)
(Stephanie Shiner Thompson, Brainerd, MN)
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
(John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA)
You just told Harriet Miers that your governor is the bestest
governor ever, to infinity, no tag-backs.
(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)
Your White House Christmas card this year was a picture of your
house with a bulls-eye over it.
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
Your last name is Abramoff.
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
Honorable Mentions list name
(Jeff Johnson, Los Altos, CA)
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