A Nice two part list from the funny bones of Top 5. Hell exists. It's not a lovely place. Love, escape and hope dies in the pit of hell. It's the point of no return. Anyway:
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C L U B T O P 5
Welcome to the Great Pagoda of Funn!
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March 20, 2006
The Top 16 Tourist Attractions in Hell
(Part I)
16> Eternal Fire Island
15> Yellowsnow National Park
14> Strom Thurmond's Legislative Museum and Sausage Factory
13> Brimstonehenge
12> Really F#$*ing Hot Springs
11> Disney on Fire
10> PukingHam Palace
9> The Peace in the Middle East Ice Skating Rink and Ski Resort
8> Yanniville!
7> Martha's Innards
6> The Osmonds Chewing on Aluminum Foil
5> Ralph Macchio Picchu
4> Paul Reubens' IMAX 3D Experience
3> Mister Twister's Colon World Log Ride o' Doom
2> Styx Flags
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Tourist Attraction in Hell...
1> Mt. Rushmore III: The Vice Presidents
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions
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Tourist Attractions in Hell
RUNNERS UP list -- Are We Done Yet?
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Crapplebee's
(Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY)
David Koresh's Indoor Barbecue
(Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA)
Disney Hurled
(Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA)
Don Knotts' G-Movie Marathon, with special guest Jack Tripper!
(Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA)
Ho Chi Min's Punji Stick Bar-B-Q
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
Jeffrey Dahmer's House of Ribs
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)
Lindsay Lohan Presents Peristalsis Mountain
(Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY)
Osama-rama Casino and Cabaret (opening soon)
(Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA)
(Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)
The Astroglidedome
(Gordon Sherman, Camp Slayer, Baghdad)
The Cysty Chapel
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
The Never-Ending Roller Coaster Ride of Female Emotions (Men Only)
(Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI)
Torquemada's House of Unexpected Surprises
(Ross Brown, Seattle, WA)
Runners Up list name
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
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Tourist Attractions in Hell
HONORABLE MENTIONS list -- Tourist Crap
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Bundy's Bloodbath House
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)
Dick Cheney's Duck Shoot
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
Gigliland
(Gordon Sherman, Camp Slayer, Baghdad)
Natural Bridge Cadavers
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)
The "Are We There Yet?" Eternal Car Ride
(Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI)
The Giant Ball of Flayed Skin
(Chris Urich, Poughkeepsie, NY)
The Golden Gate Fridge
(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)
The World's Largest Ball of Spines
(Ross Brown, Seattle, WA)
The World's Largest Kidney Stone (lodged in YOUR urinary tract)
(Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY)
Try to Spay Cerberus Booth
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)
Washington's Hindquarters
(Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY)
World's Biggest Ball of Spittle
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)
Part 2:
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C L U B T O P 5
Like an arctic mindbath!
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March 21, 2006
The Top 16 Tourist Attractions in Hell
(Part II)
16> 666 Flagellations Over Texas
15> Hoover's Dental Dam
14> Tiny Tim's Forest o' Ukuleles
13> Slobodan's Sarajevo Lava Luge (just opened!)
12> Neverland Ranch South
11> The Steam Capades
10> Pilates of the Caribbean
9> The Eyepull Tower
8> Planet Bollywood
7> The Gland Canyon
6> Mount Fuji (where *you* get to be Fuji!)
5> "It's a Small Netherworld After All" Kazoo and Accordion
Eternity Cruise
4> Anna Nicole Smithsonian Institute
3> Madame Tussaud's House of Whacks
2> Westminster Arby's
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Tourist Attraction in Hell...
1> The Karl Rove Presidential Library
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions
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Tourist Attractions in Hell
RUNNERS UP list -- Second-Rates of the Caribbean
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Chechen-Fil-A
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)
Intestinal Caverns
(Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA)
Jerry Falwell's House (under construction)
(Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada)
Knott's Bury Farm
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)
Mother-in-Law-in-the-Backseat Bumper Cars
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
Ripley's Believe Me, It's Hot!
(Dave Oberhart, Durham, NC)
Six Flags Over Ted's Ass
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)
Slow Tank Tour of Iraq Fun Ride
(Meg Silvern, Tucson, AZ)
Somaliwood
(Fred Hesby, Portland, OR)
The Motel Mengele
(Curtis Stoddard, Milwaukie, OR)
The No-Exit Gift Shop that sells only Hello Satan(TM) licensed
items
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Tunnel of Used Gym Socks
(J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA)
Runners Up list name
(J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA)
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Tourist Attractions in Hell
HONORABLE MENTIONS list -- Hoover Damned
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Beelzebubblin' Hot Springs
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)
EuroHades
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
Green River Red Water Rafting
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)
Jim Jones' Whirling Teacups
(Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX)
Kidneyland and its even more disgusting spinoff, Euro Kidneyland
(John J. Brassil, Nashville, TN)
Lake Shiticaca
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
Lizzie Borden's Celebrity Barber Shop
(Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX)
Lorena's Chop Shop
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Mother Noose Museum
(Dave Oberhart, Durham, NC)
Raging, Scalding Waters
(Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA)
Suffering and Agony for All Times Square
(Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX)
The Flailing Wall
(Jeff Johnson, Los Altos, CA)
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