More and more people are resorting to learning the ways of living like a ninja, since the planet has become a depressing place to live on. Some humor about ninjas from the top five crew that never sleeps:
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C L U B T O P 5
Lubricated toy surprise inside!
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May 12, 2006
The Top 16 Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Ninja
16> You try to snag an extra slice of birthday cake and find
yourself pinned to the wall by throwing stars.
15> Your quarterly objective: "Put together training course
for new product."
His quarterly objective: "Kill more silently."
14> Yesterday's suspected office lunch-stealer was just found dead
in the restroom with a sword through the top of his skull.
13> He inundates the whole department with memos -- of DEATH!
12> Most people vainly thump and shake the vending machine when
items get stuck. She had it flat on the ground profusely
bleeding Cheet-os in the blink of an eye.
11> He just nailed Harry Whittington in the face with a throwing
star.
10> You were always suspicious of her sneaky manner and occasional
cold glares -- even before she disappeared without a sound to
join the CBS Evening News.
9> Frequently melts into the shadows, even when the receptionist
is not collecting for another baby shower.
8> She's always stabbing you in the back. Literally.
7> He always steers lazy afternoon conversations toward "How
I could kill you with this [random office object]."
6> Weeps silently whenever they serve turtle soup at a lunch
meeting.
5> You disagree with him during a meeting, then return to your
desk to find two perfect halves of a monitor.
4> Her title: Assistant Vice-Master of the Six Winds, Accounting
Division.
3> He tends to suddenly disappear with a big puff of smoke, even
when the cafeteria isn't serving burritos.
2> Professional look: black body stocking with matching hood.
Business casual: black body stocking with matching hood.
Casual Friday: black body stocking with matching hood and
an all-black Hawaiian shirt thrown on top.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker Is a Ninja...
1> You've never seen anyone impaled with a pointy water-cooler
cup before.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
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Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Ninja
RUNNERS UP list -- Exit the Dragon
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Always manages to snag office furniture from laid-off employees
before you get the chance to.
(Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)
At the annual company barbecue at your boss's house, he's the only
one who can retrieve the Frisbee from old man Jenkins' pit bulls
when it sails over the fence.
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
Every time you ride the same elevator, he spends the whole
27-floor trip circling you warily.
(Ian Dauphinee, Calgary, AB, Canada)
He can rip your still-heating lunch right out of the microwave and
show it to you before you eat.
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
Nameplate on door reads, "Crouching Accountant, Hidden Assets."
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)
Pictures of her kids are pinned to her cubicle wall with throwing
stars.
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
(Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI)
(Brad Wilkerson, Mesa, AZ)
She hasn't had a bad review since Harry in HR was found with a
shuriken embedded in his forehead.
(Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL)
Some bastard keeps stealing the emergency nunchucks you keep in
the refrigerator.
(Matt Moore, Fresno, CA)
The last thing you remember is her asking if she could bounce some
ideas off you regarding the Ginsu account.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
The other printers are too scared to flash "Toner Low" on their
display screens after seeing what happened to poor HP LaserJet 4Si.
(Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)
Upon further inspection, it turns out those *aren't* black panties
on her head.
(Andrew Thomas, Shrewsbury, MA)
You take the elevator. He throws a chair through the
conference-room window and rappels 14 stories.
(Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA)
Runners Up list name
(Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX)
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Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Ninja
HONORABLE MENTIONS list -- Nonjas
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"Terminated" employees are never seen or heard from again.
(Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI)
"That is one HUGE letter opener, Mrs. Beauregard!"
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)
Always sharpens his arsenal of blades, ritualistically cleanses
his hands and dons the telltale mask before entering the operating
room.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
At the last company picnic, four people had to be taken to the
emergency room to have lawn darts removed from their skulls.
(Ian Dauphinee, Calgary, AB, Canada)
Becomes invisible by blending into his keyboard whenever the boss
walks by.
(Mark Zinck, Grand Rapids, MI)
Every time you start talking about something stupid, like
"synergy" or "guerrilla marketing," he shoots a tranquilizer dart
into your neck.
(Marshal Perlman, Irvine, CA)
For Christmas ornaments, those "snowflakes" decorating his cube
look mighty sharp.
(John J. Brassil, Nashville, TN)
He can replace a toner cartridge without making a mess.
(Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY)
Her response to Dave from Accounting's smart-assed comment during
the team meeting? A throwing star to the throat.
(Matt Maynard, Orange Park, FL)
His Accord has a "Ninja's do it with stealth!" bumper sticker.
(Brad Wilkerson, Mesa, AZ)
Last time someone asked him to "get straight to the point" at a
meeting, maintenance spent days scrubbing blood out of the carpet.
(Travis Ruetenik, Hiroshima, Japan)
Sanka? No. Sensei? Yes.
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)
That spooky human-fly-on-the-wall trick makes her the undisputed
queen of office gossip.
(Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
That's the third time this week he's reflexively broken someone's
arm after being tapped on the shoulder.
(Matt Maynard, Orange Park, FL)
The slicer has been down for a week, yet there's plenty of freshly
shaved pastrami and corned beef.
(Richard Skora, Columbus, OH)
When caught photocopying his butt, he throws toner powder in the
security guard's eyes and makes a break for it.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
While a laser pointer might be more traditional during
presentations, her kitana sword is surprisingly convincing.
(Marcelo Rinesi, Buenos Aires, Argentina)
You could've *sworn* there was one bagel left on the conference
room table just a second ago.
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)
You phone him at home and he answers the phone standing right next
to you.
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
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C L U B T O P 5
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