Inept is not the appropriate word to use in describing the new world order. The local terrorists are way smarter than they look. The terrorists were never the fictional Al Quaida and Bin Laden the government was touting about with. The government themselves ARE the terrorists. They always had been and always will be.
Nonetheless, top5 pokes fun of them with some *humor*.....
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C L U B T O P 5
We put the "hum" in "humor."
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June 1, 2006
The Top 16 Signs Your Local Terrorists Are Inept
16> Their big plot: Destroy Americans' sense of freedom and
faith in government by secretly listening in on our phone
conversations.
15> Their attempt to subvert the American democratic process
involved multiple votes for Taylor Hicks.
14> Worst they've done so far is threaten to finance "Big Momma's
House 3."
13> They meet every third Thursday at the Sizzler.
12> Well, in all fairness, the tire was flat and road flares and
dynamite do kinda look alike in the dark.
11> Practice sessions include crashing kites into port-a-potties.
10> The only thing they've successfully hijacked thus far is a
chat room thread.
9> "Give us what we want or Harry Whittington gets shot in
the face!"
8> Wanting to inflict massive death and carnage, they drive
their bomb-laden car into a "Stars on Ice" show.
7> Plans call for strategic strikes on the 31st day of every
month.
6> The name of their church softball team? "Allah's Wrath."
5> They've drawn up an elaborate plan to bomb Wrigley Field
during the World Series.
4> Flew a hang glider into a White Castle because they thought
the king lived there.
3> Their demands include full recognition by the International
House of Pancakes.
2> They were denied a permit for their Foolish Americans
Take-No-Prisoners Death Parade because they couldn't sell
enough al-Qaeda Scout cookies for the fee.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Local Terrorists Are Inept...
1> "We have Paris Hilton. Do exactly as we say or you'll never
see her again."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions
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Signs Your Local Terrorists Are Inept
RUNNERS UP list -- Suckarias Moussaoui
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"During the next NFL game in Los Angeles, we will crash a blimp
filled with explosives into the stadium!"
(John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI)
"What do you mean you lost the bomb in a POKER game?!?"
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
Actually believe that they're protected by the Bill of Rights.
(Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY)
Attempt to legitimize their political views by getting
endorsements from American sports heroes Mark McGuire and Barry
Bonds.
(Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)
Before pulling the plugs on their suicide belts, they chant,
"Praise Paula Abdul! Abdul is great!"
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)
FBI officially classifies them as "pranksters."
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
If his demands aren't met, threatens to pull his own finger.
(Chuck Brown, St. Stephen, NB, Canada)
In an attempt to take out the most people possible, they target
the Hockey Hall of Fame.
(Gretchen Stille, Brookfield, IL)
Instead of IEDs, they attack with IUDs.
(Brad Wilkerson, Mesa, AZ)
(Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY)
(Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)
Not only do they make decisions by playing Rock/Scissors/Paper,
those are their bomb-making materials as well.
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)
Poor English skills cause them to mis-read the recipe card,
resulting in a "bomb" made by mixing steer manure and olive oil
just attracts flies.
(Matt Moore, Fresno, CA)
The plan to blow up the Super Bowl was all set to go until they
realized al-Einstein over there forgot to buy the tickets.
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
Their only demand: Cancel "According to Jim."
(Brad Wilkerson, Mesa, AZ)
Their reign of terror consists of nothing but ripped-off Jerky
Boys pranks.
(Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX)
Their suicide bomber walks into a crowded mall and shoots himself
in the head.
(Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX)
They threaten to kill a lawyer, used car salesperson or former
Enron executive every hour until their demands are met.
(Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)
Runners Up list name
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
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Signs Your Local Terrorists Are Inept
HONORABLE MENTIONS list -- Home-bland Security
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"The faces of the infidels will be white with cream pies!"
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
110 North Main? The Federal Building still stands proudly.
110 South Main? The obliterated remains of Ma's Tattoos and Bail
Bonds are still smoking.
(Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO)
After sprinkling dozens of envelopes with anthrax, they lick them
shut.
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)
If you don't meet their demands, they threaten to bomb your
mailbox with unwanted mailings.
(Jeff Johnson, Los Altos, CA)
In California, blowing up the governor's Humvee is simply viewed
as "environmentalism."
(Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
In order to disrupt the nation's economy, they bomb IRS
headquarters.
(Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX)
Lacking actual explosives, they point at Salim and chant, "You da
bomb!"
(David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO)
Other terrorists wear black hoods to hide their identities from
hostages. These bozos wear them as part of their "peek-a-boo
torture" of hostages.
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)
Packed nail clipper and butane lighter next to plastic explosives.
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)
Sabotage Internet humor lists so that the #1 entry is neither
clever nor ironic, or even makes much SUFFICE IGNORE HENPOOP
FARTMONGER!!
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
The music they use to get psyched up for the attack? "Everybody
Wang Chung Tonight."
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)
The ululations they make with their tongues sound suspicious like
Curly from the Three Stooges.
(Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA)
Their "biological weapon" is an abandoned slice of pizza from a
frat-house fridge.
(Marcelo Rinesi, Buenos Aires, Argentina)
Their carry-on luggage? Two cans of kerosene and a duffel bag full
of fertilizer.
(Chuck Sawyer, Rochester, NY)
Their letter printed in the NY Times called "United 93" "The Feel
Good Movie of the Year!"
(Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada)
Their most recent plot was quickly identified and completely
thwarted by FEMA.
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
Their new idea for a bomb is code named "Gigli 2."
(Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY)
They record all their video threats at the same Manhattan street
corner.
(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA)
They reject dressing like normal local people as "bourgeois."
(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA)
They take jobs cleaning stables at the county livestock fair and
auction to be in position for their massive slaughter of
capitalist American pigs.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
They try to subvert the local fast-food industry with their new
soup kitchen, Osama Bin Ladle.
(Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX)
They're gleefully ready to unleash the mighty Mississippi and
flood all of New Orleans.
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)
While their aim and trajectory displayed pinpoint accuracy, there
were still very few casualties from the hail of water balloons.
(David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA)
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