Love is for the birds. For the foolish that want to live in la la land and refuse to see how things really are. The topfive crew know how to give some subjects a really bad name.
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C L U B T O P 5
Kid-tested, mother approved.
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August 2, 2006
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Today's list was originally published on September 8, 1999.
The Top 20 Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes
20> His body was hard -- not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian
strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor,
when you fall and bang your knee.
19> Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat
being run through with a roasting spit.
18> Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old roadkill on
hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.
17> Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a
cockroach in a sugar bowl.
16> As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his
Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.
15> Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.
14> ...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield
of a Porsche on the Autobahn.
13> Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed
nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.
12> With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign
-- yet she could NOT!
11> He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House
letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from
Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten
million dollar prize.
10> His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the
vice president.
9> Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided
through the chum-filled waters of the singles bar,
oblivious to the remora of Annabelle's adoring gaze.
8> Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat
over a wake, and then, as fluid as a fine imported transmission,
she whipped out her man-organ and pissed away his dreams.
7> Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face
toward her happy meal.
6> With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after
Thanksgiving dinner.
5> He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned
and hallucinate like Warren.
4> He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin
latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.
3> His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.
2> Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust
bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf
blower.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Metaphor or Simile...
1> His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch,
danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.
[ The Top 5 List www.TopFive.com ]
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Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes
RUNNERS UP list -- Best Cellars
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"Don't you love me anymore?" she asked. But his only response was
that Forbes-like stare.
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)
And with all the gentleness of an Istanbul prison guard, she
lovingly led his way from boy to man.
(Matt Siske, Dayton, OH)
As he caressed her body, her inhibitions began to melt away like a
stick of butter in a body cavity.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)
Bonnie discovered that true love is when your heart sweats in
places that regular detergent just won't wash out.
(David W. James, Los Angeles, CA)
Brenda's limpid eyes were Ty-D-Bowl blue.
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)
Dirk penetrated the brambly, beckoning forest. Deeper & deeper he
plunged. Deeper, deeper & deeper. And deeper.
(Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN)
Her bosom heaved like two weasels wrestling under a tarpaulin.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)
Her lips were like a bicycle inner tube, if you pinched it at both
ends, and if it didn't have a Schraeder valve.
(David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO)
Her lips were parched for a kiss, her mouth a dry arroyo of
regret.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)
Her peaches and cream complexion, apple cheeks, ripe berry lips
and watermelon bosoms made her look, well, fruity.
(Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH)
Her sighs were like the whistling noise from Andy Rooney's nose.
(Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA)
His love was as big as the interest rate Bubba's Pawn charged on
the Uzi.
(Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX)
His manhood was engorged like an irresponsible $800 billion tax
cut which even Alan Greenspan thinks would cause inflation and
result in an interest rate hike canceling the paltry savings to
most Americans.
(David Kass, Brooklyn, NY)
Hour after rapturous hour, he played upon her supple body as a
master musician might play upon a fine instrument, stopping only
occasionally to empty the spit valve.
(Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA)
She howled in ecstasy like a Klingon warrior entering Stovikor,
you know, like in that episode when Worf killed Gowron for the way
he was handling the war with the Dominion. Aw, come on, you know!
(David Kass, Brooklyn, NY)
She threw me the smile that absolutely knocked me out like an
uppercut from Mike Tyson -- or I guess Gerry Cooney, since she's
white.
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)
Shelly found Mark's performance to be lightning short.
(Martell Stroup, Boston, MA)
The lovers clung to one another like atoms of hydrogen and oxygen,
except that it wasn't a threesome.
(Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA)
The muscles on his chest rippled like an accordion in a polka band.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
The rampant fury of his tornado wrought total devastation on the
small Midwestern town of her passion.
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)
Runner Up list name
(Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA)
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Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes
HONORABLE MENTION list -- Artistic License Revoked
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Afterwards, he was spent and sad, like a used can of
Cheez-Whiz(tm).
(Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA)
As the rain fell upon them, they embraced like strangers in a
Times Square video booth.
(Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA)
Brad was thrusting like a stallion mistakenly mounting a gelding.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Clyde plowed her rich, abundant fields.
(Martell Stroup, Boston, MA)
Egbert's huge bald head shone like the gold Winnie would wear all
her life with the wheezing old goat.
(Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA)
He lied to her as easily as the FBI lying to Janet Reno.
(Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX)
He milked the warm ripe fruit of the flower of my womanhood the
way an old salt rides the tides.
(Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA)
He suddenly went limp. Just as if his wife had walked in on him
and his girlfriend.
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
He was so depressed, like the brake pedal in the taxi of the world.
(Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI)
Her bosom heaved like a pus sore waiting to explode.
(David W. James, Los Angeles, CA)
Her full, pouty lips were bright red, ripe tomatoes -- only with
no stem or seeds.
(Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI)
Her large breasts heaved like two very large, heaving breasts.
(Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA)
Her lips were kissed with the morning dew as if she had slept
face down in the grass the night before.
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
Her skin was as creamy as actual cream.
(Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH)
His manhood swelled like a Ballpark Frank on a grill.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)
His touch left her as breathless as a five-hundred pound guy on
his fifth flight of stairs.
(John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY)
Like a Dan Quayle press conference, the shot rang out loudly but
widely missed its mark.
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)
My love for her was impetuous, like my premature ejaculation.
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)
She caressed his ripe swollen scrotum-fruit.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
She shook me to my very foundation, like what happened to the
Alfred P. Murrah building.
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)
Sheena's fullness heaved like sheets in the wind.
(Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA)
The bed was her stage, and he was her world.
(Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY)
The velvet silence of the chateau suddenly was percussed with the
persistent thud-thudding of Lady Guineviere's golden locks
knocking mockingly upon the bare board at the head of her bed.
(Matt Siske, Dayton, OH)
Honorable Mention list name
(Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA)
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C L U B T O P 5
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