They say that Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. If you take the word "Abstinence" and rearrange it to "Ban Entices", it tells a whole different story.
Anyway, some humor from the top5 crew on abstinence.....
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C L U B T O P 5
New thick 'n' gooey version!
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August 9, 2006
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Today's list was originally published on September 14, 1999.
The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
15> Abstinence: Give yourself a hand!
14> I say zip it -- zip it good!
13> Just because it's the most pleasurable sensation you'll
ever feel in your lifetime doesn't mean you should rush
right out and experience it.
12> Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!
11> Wham, bam -- thank you, hand!
10> Just say whoa.
9> Join the celibate TopFive contributors!
8> The Pope does it -- now *you* can, too!
7> Abstinence: It's not just for quarrels anymore!
6> Leave it near beaver.
5> Don't think of it as less sex -- think of it as more time to
watch "Babylon 5" reruns.
4> You've come a long way, Baby -- for nothing!
3> Abstinence: No f**kin' way!
2> Spend a little time away from the orifice.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Slogan Promoting Abstinence...
1> "Hello, this is President Clinton with an important
message for young people...."
[ The Top 5 List www.TopFive.com ]
The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions
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Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
RUNNERS UP list -- Come Again?
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Abstinence makes the heart go fondle.
(Larry Baum, Hong Kong)
Because sex is too good to share with anyone else.
(Christopher Troise, New York, NY)
Because your hand will never give you syphilis, sleep with your
best friend or post nude pictures of you on the Internet 20 years
from now.
(Jon Litfin, Columbus, OH)
Don't do the deed -- keep that seed!
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
Gentlemen prefer head.
(Peg Warner, Exeter, NH)
Guzzle abstinence -- get "chaste-faced."
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Hey, you could put someone's eye out with that!
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)
If you don't want a child thing, don't do the wild thing.
(Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY)
Just don't do it!
(Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA)
(Larry Baum, Hong Kong)
(Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY)
(Jaime McCarley, Houston, TX)
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)
Just say blow.
(Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA)
Let your fingers do the wanking.
(Sam Evans, Charleston, SC)
Nothing that smelly can possibly be fun.
(Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH)
Sex: It just isn't natural!
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)
This is your genitalia. This is your genitalia on drugs. This is
your genitalia on drugs, with ham, peppers, and onions. We call
it the Denver Omelet. It comes with hash browns and your choice of
white or wheat toast. Coffee?
(Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC)
Tickle your balls with feathers now, AND WITH THE FLAMES OF HELL
LATER!!!!
(Christopher Troise, New York, NY)
Uh-oh! Better get Jerk-o!
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)
Vaginas are for peeing, rectums are for poohing. Heaven is for
those of us who haven't done much screwing.
(Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL)
Wouldn't you rather smoke some crack?
(Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA)
Runner Up list name
(Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA)
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Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
HONORABLE MENTION list -- Dry Humps
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"Hi, this is Wilt Chamberlain." "And I'm Steve Garvey...."
(Martell Stroup, Boston, MA)
Four out of five doctors agree YOU should not risk procreating
under ANY circumstances. (The fifth one? He'd like to know if
you'd like a ride home from your next boy scout meeting.)
(John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY)
Abstinence: It's a NICE word for "loser."
(Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN)
Abstinence: Because people like you just shouldn't breed.
(Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX)
Abstinence: How hard can it be?
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
Blue balls: not just for teens any more.
(Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA)
C'mon, you're not really THAT horny, are you?
(Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX)
Danger, Willie Robinson!
(Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA)
Don't make us send Lorena Bobbitt after you.
(Matt Siske, Dayton, OH)
Every time you have intercourse, an angel burns in hell.
(Fred Hesby, Portland, OR)
Got Kleenex?
(Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN)
Hey, blow me!
(Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)
How cool can having sex be if your parents did it?
(Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH)
(Chris Gleason, Gaithersburg, MD)
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
How good could heaving thighs and supple breasts feel pressed
against you?
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)
Just beat it.
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)
Like you could get laid anyhow, Dork-Boy.
(Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)
(John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY)
(Paul Paternoster, Los Altos, CA)
Make war, not love.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)
Mr. Coathanger says: Abstinence is cool.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)
Put the "stain" back in "Abstain."
(Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN)
Self-abuse and self-respect: They go hand-in-hand!
(Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA)
The decision is in your hands.
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)
Who cares if all the cool people do it? Society needs nerds, too!
(Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)
Wouldn't you rather have an ice cream cone?
(Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA)
Honorable Mention list name
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
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C L U B T O P 5
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